I have this overwhelming urge to sit down and write so here I am; here we are if you are so kind to join me and read my words.
It’s Monday evening and this isn’t something I normally do: express my thoughts in a blog post for more than a handful of people to read, that is, but again, here we are.
It’s hovering somewhere in the negative twenties outside and I guess frigid is a good word to describe how outside feels, which is why I am quite happy to be nestled up inside, on the couch with my lofi beats in the back.
I am currently making soup.
If you’re like really, from scratch? then trust me, I am as surprised as you are.
It’s currently boiling away on the stove and we have about 30 minutes here together before my oven goes off.
That enough time?
We shall see, considering I stop and stare off into the distance at regular intervals usually when I write.
I’m not a huge soup person, let alone the make-my-own-soup kind, but oh well, I guess here we are again, doing something outside of my usual Monday night routine, which is the same as most nights: read, watch TikTok and try not fall into my very many thoughts.
Oh, and let one of my oldest friends try to encourage me to join a dating app, but that’s another story ha ha.
I like being alone.
I mean that in a relationship sense, but also in a literal sense too.
I have learned to love my own company and trust me when I say it wasn’t always that way.
Sure, anxiety played a big role in this, as my symptoms were so intense I genuinely thought that if I was alone something terrible would happen to me, and then I’d be found lying lifeless on the floor or my bed or wherever, you know how it goes when you have anxiety clouding your every thought.
But as I learned to manage my anxiety and felt more comfortable being on my own, I slowly learned to love my own company.
To be fair, I have been a loner since I was a child, always preferring to do my own thing versus go along with a crowd of people.
That’s not to say I didn’t develop some deep connections, but I have always been close to a handful of people only, at times just one or two.
So, if you have ever read anything I have written before or ever listened to me talk about something, then you’ll know that I tend to never stay on topic and often branch off in many different directions, depending on what ends up popping into my head.
I had no plans for this letter to be about how I love my own company, but rather wanted to tell you about how I am feeling and a little about my day, but as you see, we never stay on topic.
Let’s bookmark this convo about being a loner for another day, should we meet up again in another personal ramble, yeah?
There’s a lot going on in my head.
Sometimes all the time, but at least most of the time.
Learning to be present has been a huge challenge for me in my life and I consider myself having come pretty far from where I was a few years ago.
When you have a lot going on in your mind you need to find ways to get it out and writing helps me, although sometimes it can come off as quite chaotic as I try to put some kind of order to the jumble that ends up spilling out onto the pages.
I haven’t journaled in a while, and as I am writing this I am reminding myself that I probably should.
Hey, maybe you needed that gentle nudge too.
Last night probably would have been a good time to start, because I couldn’t sleep.
I finally drifted off around 2 am and woke up this morning feeling kinda low, but I was desperate to not pay too much attention to that sinking feeling that usually precedes a depressive episode.
My mood was absolute shit, honestly.
That’s another thing they don’t tell you about depression: you can get angry.
Sure, there’s the sadness and the numbness and the hopelessness, but there is also anger.
The emotion we all shy away from and tend to judge people for, not realizing it’s a mask for hurt or pain simmering beneath the surface.
Now, don’t worry about me, I am okay.
Seriously though, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way, this time anyway.
I did a little mental calculation and boom, I realized that I felt the exact same way last month this time and guess what, it was right before my period too.
Then I looked at the calendar and realized my period is due in a couple days and it all made sense.
Ughhhh…. Hormones!! I know you relate, I know you do.
I literally just recorded a podcast episode last week about this and how I was already feeling hormonal, guess I forgot. I blame the brain fog.
A friend sent me a message and said “Tam, I may be completely wrong, but you seem kinda lost and maybe a little down…” and I was like “huh, am I?”
It was actually a great opportunity for me to check in with myself, as I always tell others to do, yet sometimes forget to do it for myself.
I realized that yeah, I definitely feel the low that comes right before my period and the intense thoughts that try to drag me under.
I also feel a little disappointed and let down at some other parts of my life that I won’t get into now, but by her simply saying this to me it showed me that I have not been checking in with myself as much as I could be, and that I have been using what I usually use when I am feeling out of sorts; distraction.
Ah, lovely distraction.
You pull us away from feelings we don’t want to feel yet you are always temporary, aren’t you?
Eventually we are faced with the rawness of our feelings and we either go through it this time or use you yet again, until the next time we decide to drag you back or let you go for a little while.
I have realized that my depression still scares me.
This time I really can blame my hormones, but it still scares me to be feeling all right only to wake up the next day feeling like a whole different person with a whole new personality.
Ashwagandha helps me a lot.
I ran out a few days ago and in my classic slow-to-do-anything fashion, I have yet to stock up and I swear I feel a difference when I stop taking it.
This is my reminder to get some tomorrow.
I have seen people say it makes them feel weird, but keep in mind that everyone has a different experience and just because one person feels weird doesn’t mean you definitely will.
I have seen people feeding into each other’s fears rather than trying it for themselves to see how they react, so I just wanted to mention this here.
Plus there are so many other adaptogens to try if ashwa isn’t for you. Rhodiola and Reishi being just two more options.
Okay enough of the ramble on adaptogens. I share posts on insta and share them all in my A to Z.
I walked to the grocery store and the health store today, in this freezing weather.
I layered up like crazy and trudged through the snow, hoping it would lift my spirits and help my very crappy mood that had me pissed off at everything and I mean everything.
Even my neighbour scraping the snow off his windshield grated on my nerves.
I kind of huffed and puffed my way down the street, one because I was in a mood from hell, but also because the air made breathing feel hard.
I ended up having a really nice exchange with an old lady at the health store that did actually cheer me up, just because of how happy she was.
I was in the produce section trying to figure out what I needed when she made eye contact and it felt like she was saying “aha, just the person I needed to talk to.”
She marched up to me and asked me if I knew anything about kale.
At first I thought she must think I work there, but she looked right at my basket filled with a few things so she clearly knew I didn’t. I must have just looked like I knew a decent amount about kale, I don’t know ha ha.
Before I could even reply she rambled on and I thought, huh… a fellow rambler… I am more than happy to listen and reply in my own rambles.
She said that her husband hates kale, but that she really wants him to eat it, because it’s healthy, but she needed to find a way to put it on his wrap without him realizing he was eating it.
She asked me if I knew how to make it less bitter.
I told her that honestly, the only way I knew how to make kale taste really good was to saute it in a little coconut oil and drizzle it with maple syrup and her eyes lit up when I mentioned maple.
We then rambled a bit about our love of maple syrup and how it makes everything better before I shared another bit of kale info that I remembered.
I told her that I had seen somewhere that if you massage the raw leaves, it can help with the bitterness.
She looked really pleased at this point and we said our goodbyes as she wandered off to grab a bunch.
I was then browsing the chocolate section, when I felt eyes on me.
I looked up and saw her excitedly waving to me as she tried to weave her way through people to get to me.
At this point this lady’s enthusiasm had rubbed off and I waved right back with a grin on my face and wondered who I even was, considering how moodily I had made my way to the store.
She lowered her voice, because a lady who worked there was right behind us and said “I ate a piece! I massaged it like you said and ate it and wow, it really works!”
It was such a strange and unexpected exchange with a stranger that I needed today.
It’s crazy how such a small and random thing can change your whole day.
She left the store in such high spirits and I admit that I went home in a far better mood than I had left it.
Do I know the point of this letter?
Not really, apart from simply needing to write, despite how all over the place it may have been.
I hope you enjoyed my random ramble and perhaps it even helped you out, who knows.
If it did then great, but at the least I hope I provided a healthy distraction from whatever you may be avoiding in your own life.
Writing helps.
Reading people’s feelings and thoughts and experiences helps.
It’s nice to know we are not alone, so if you read all the way until the end, I appreciate you.
I am sure we will meet up in this personal ramble space again.
Tam
P.S. the soup turned out pretty good, if you can tell from this kinda hazy pic 😜
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