Before I start this, I just want to say that I am in no way an OCD expert, and if I refer to anything incorrectly please understand that I am simply sharing from personal experience and from what I have learned over the years (and am still learning). I became extremely familiar with gad (generalized anxiety disorder), health anxiety and panic disorder, but my OCD journey is one I am still on, as I am always learning new things and there are many things I honestly did not even realize were due to my OCD.
Something I always remember from childhood is my mother standing in front of the oven before we were leaving to go anywhere or before bed, just staring at it to make sure it’s off, as if one glance away meant that it would automatically turn on.
Fast forward a few years to when my younger brother was at the talking stage and this visual now changed to him on her hip, as he pointed to each stove plate and proudly told my mom “off, off, off, off!”
As he got older he’d say “Mom! It’s off!” and he’d roll his eyes and laugh, and I’d do the same, but then when I moved out I found myself doing the exact same thing!
My mom had witnessed a fire as a child, and seen an apartment completely destroyed. She developed a major phobia of fire, and as a result developed OCD compulsions to ensure that this could never happen.
Of course we can never fully control anything, but OCD provides that false sense of comfort, of reassurance, even if it is temporary.
I think when talking about OCD, the three words that seem to sum it up the best, regardless of the type of OCD you are dealing with, are:
- Repetition
- Obsession
- Constant doubt.
In fact, OCD is known as the doubting disorder, which makes sense, because if we didn’t doubt, we wouldn’t feel the need to do something over and over again, whether that is a physical compulsion or repetitive thought pattern that makes us feel like we are truly losing it.
Giving in to the compulsions is a form of comfort, yet we chase that comfort again and again, as we never get to that place of feeling fully reassured.
And this, my friend, is the OCD cycle.
Breaking the stigma
If you ask anyone what comes to mind when they hear the term OCD, they may say “Someone who washes their hands over and over and is afraid of germs.”
Or, “Someone who is obsessed with cleanliness and tidiness, needing things to be just so.”
You’ll often hear people who aren’t all that familiar with OCD saying things like “Ugh, I am so OCD!” referring to something kind of silly, if we are going to be completely honest.
You try to not feel irritated, because it really is just due to ignorance, but if you deal with any form of severe OCD then it can feel very invalidating and dismissive to what you deal with on a 24/7 basis.
People are not wrong about referring to OCD as someone who is afraid of germs and is obsessed with cleanliness, this is called contamination OCD.
But this is only one form of OCD, and the only one that most people seem to be aware of.
OCD is not just washing your hands constantly and checking the locks a million times
It can also cause you to obsess over things and may cause the type of intrusive thoughts that make you question yourself as a person.
See, I didn’t realize that OCD also caused you to experience repetitive thoughts and irrational fears that your brain would latch onto.
OCD comes in here, because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t stop worrying about that thing you are worrying about.
Your brain creates this illusion that if you just keep thinking about it you will be safe, and this may or may not lead to compulsions too, but I am getting ahead of myself so let me backup a little.
Let me just say this… no matter what form of OCD you deal with, it can feel like you’re trapped in a nightmare you can never wake up from, as it really holds you hostage to your thoughts and compulsions.
Death anxiety OCD as a child
I had no idea that I actually suffered quite badly with OCD as a child, not until many years later when I started delving deep into my anxiety journey.
I had always just thought I was weird or different or I’d just link it back to my anxiety, which sure, the thoughts and fears I had were certainly anxiety-inducing and could be classified as anxious thoughts, but they were actually stemming from OCD.
I struggled horribly with death anxiety OCD, which manifested as me obsessing over losing my parents.
If they went out for dinner, I’d anxiously sit at home, unable to relax, as intrusive thoughts clouded my mind of something happening to them.
I’d make myself sick with fear and often break down crying to the astonishment of whoever was babysitting us, but I could not rest until they were home.
I’d smell my mom’s lingering perfume after they had left and I’d feel so emotional, as if this was the last time I’d ever smell my mom’s perfume.
It can be incredibly scary and confusing when you feel this way as a young child, with no idea of OCD, and when you see other children around you acting completely different, eager to play and enjoy themselves when their parents aren’t around.
I’d also sometimes get a song lyric stuck in my head and feel this overwhelming urge to immediately tell my mom or I believed something bad would happen to them.
Death anxiety followed me into my teen years
My brother and I were obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I was in my teens and we’d get the DVD’s (yep, I am that old!) and spend hours binging episodes.
In one episode, this girl had a premonition of her death and it’s like this was some kind of trigger for my death anxiety OCD, because I immediately had this thought that I was going to die soon, that Friday to be exact.
I took this episode as a “sign” and truly thought I was “meant” to see it.
Did I mention that OCD can make us think things that we see are “signs” and that we definitely didn’t see them by accident.
I felt absolutely sick to my stomach with this overwhelming sense of dread and this fear consumed me for that entire week.
That week was one of the worst of my life.
I could barely focus on anything and the worst part is that I told no one, because I didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy, so I suffered on my own with tormenting thoughts.
When that Friday arrived I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere and I just prayed that midnight would roll around and that I’d be safe.
I felt such immense relief when I was still breathing the next day, but this didn’t mean I didn’t ever end up in this cycle again.
A scary part of death anxiety OCD is that it can strike out of nowhere; a sudden horrifying thought when you are doing something fun or relaxing, and it can be very specific, which your brain believes must truly be a “sign” that it’s real.
Your death anxiety experiences
I actually asked the community to share specific death anxiety experiences they had so you could see you are truly not alone.
I share them in my latest book, Health Anxiety is Ruining my Life!, as OCD goes hand in hand with health anxiety (more on that in a sec), but here are just two responses that I think may bring some comfort if you deal with death anxiety intrusive thoughts and fears.
“Everytime someone I know dies, the first thought that runs through my head is ‘I’m next.’”
I’m stuck on the last chapter of a book, because I had a feeling I was going to die once finishing it… so scared now to finish… I hate anxiety.”
Health anxiety and OCD
Health anxiety goes hand in hand with OCD, because health anxiety causes us to obsess endlessly over symptoms. We are either thinking about something in our heads over and over, completely stuck in an OCD thinking loop, or we are doing physical compulsions that our brain has falsely made us believe will bring comfort, such as Googling or checking or feeling something on our bodies for the millionth time.
If anyone knows what absolute torture this is, it’s me, because I feel like I have lost hours of my life just checking or researching something I am worried about, so much so that I sink into deep depression.
If this is you, my heart is with you, and I truly mean that. It is absolute hell and you don’t deserve it.
Lymph nodes are just one example of how my health anxiety OCD manifested, with me feeling a lymph node so many times a day, so many times in just one hour, that I’d actually irritate and bruise my skin.
I knew logically, somewhere deep in my brain, that feeling it again was not going to change anything, but fear was at the forefront and I gave into it again and again and again.
I’d sometimes just sit there feeling my lymph node and crying, feeling so frustrated because I knew this was illogical, but I could not stop.
It felt wrong when I wasn’t feeling it, like I was no longer in control.
OCD provides a false sense of control.
You go to the doctor and they tell you that it’s okay, and maybe you feel reassured for a while until you start worrying about the next thing or until that doubt creeps in and you start thinking thoughts like “What if the doctor is wrong?” and bam, you are right back to the obsessive worrying and checking.
I have also checked a mole on my back so many times in the past that I hurt my neck. It was constant, every few minutes, and I drove myself pretty much insane.
Then there’s the endless Googling and spikes of fear and tummy drops you experience over and over as scary results pop up and you ask yourself:
“How can I live this way? I can’t take it anymore! What if I am dying?! I can’t take it!”
I have obsessed over every symptom listed in my Anxiety A to Z Encyclopedia at one point or another, and I know you probably have too and it is incredibly draining and exhausting.
I wrote a blog post right at the start of this year titled “Health Anxiety and the New Year” and I highly recommend reading it regularly, as I share how you can start to slowly do things differently if you find yourself stuck in those awful spirals.
GAD and that feeling of anticipation
Another way OCD shows up is in the way of thinking that everything is a sign, be it a video you see or a street sign or even a black bird or butterfly hovering at your window.
A common “sign” that we latch onto is that feeling of anticipation that comes with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).
It’s common to experience a constant knot of dread that feels like “something is coming” and OCD will latch onto this and you may start obsessing over it.
This is your reminder that this feeling is incredibly normal with gad and not a sign. It’s just your nervous system in a heightened state.
Harm OCD
A form of OCD that I wish I had known about when I started experiencing the thoughts that go with it is Harm OCD.
I have had random harm OCD thoughts over the years, but there were two times I remember vividly.
One was as a teenager, and I think this may have been the first time these thoughts popped up for me, and the other later on, when I was withdrawing from anxiety meds.
I was home alone with my dogs and my cat when I had a random intrusive thought of “What if I hurt my animals?”
I was beyond horrified and could not believe this awful thought, because I adored my pets and could not in a million years imagine wanting to harm them!
Of course I didn’t tell anyone, I thought they’d think I was a psychopath, I mean I thought maybe I was!
Just in case you’re going through this now, let me try to ease your fears…
If you truly were a psychopath, then you wouldn’t feel any emotion at these thoughts, you would feel nothing. The fact that these thoughts make you feel so physically ill proves that you are not, in fact, a psychopath.
I dealt with these awful thoughts and feelings on my own, not knowing anything about harm OCD until I learned the term years later, when I was going through meds withdrawal in my twenties.
I was withdrawing off the lowest dose of an SSRI that I had been taking for a year and that had been prescribed for me for panic disorder.
I had been told that I’d likely not experience symptoms, but I did, two of the worst… harm OCD and severe insomnia.
My harm OCD showed up as having an irrational fear that I was going to hurt myself or my girlfriend at the time.
I didn’t want to be around knives or even around her, because my thoughts were severe and I thought “What if I just lose control?”
I was severely depressed around this time, this was actually when my anxiety journey started, and this was when I started googling about having intrusive thoughts about harm and learned all about harm OCD.
What a damn relief.
I wasn’t a psychopath, I wasn’t crazy.
I read stories of women who had harm OCD thoughts about harming their baby and how sick it made them.
I read these stories of people just like me, with different experiences, but the same sense of extreme horror and fear and I felt a sense of community that I had not felt ever before.
Harm OCD is beyond terrible to suffer through, but it’s so much more common than you know. I recommend talking to a therapist trained in OCD and following accounts that talk openly about it without shaming.
An account I followed early on and always recommend is @anxietyocdtreatment on Insta.
A few more ways OCD showed up for me over the years
This is kind of all over the place, but I wanted to share a few more ways OCD has shown up for me, and I was trying to remember as many as I could! I still deal with some of this, but not all as severely as before, although it depends on the day or what I am going through.
Carbon monoxide fears
One thing I struggle with in Winter is a genuine fear about carbon monoxide poisoning, which makes sense, as we all have a carbon monoxide detector in our homes when the heat goes on. However, OCD worrying is beyond a normal, rational fear and I sleep with my window cracked no matter how cold it gets, as I worry that the detector won’t work and I will die in my sleep. I think I need at least 10 detectors to feel safe, but who says that will even help me!
Obsessive checking
Like my mom, I have developed an obsessive checking habit, where I will check not only the oven, but every single outlet in my apartment before I leave for an extended period of time. Even then, doubt will creep in when I am out and I will not believe it really is off. Recently I went to visit my parents, who live a few hours from me, and I did what my mom told me she does, and which I told her I would never do… I took a photo of the oven to be sure it was off. Don’t judge me hahaha. One time my mom showed up to pick me up from school (I was about 13) and she had the iron and the straightener in the car and I was so embarrassed, because I had a friend with me! She said that way she can be sure it’s not plugged in. This is a true story.
Doubting what I wrote or said
Since OCD is known as the doubting disorder, naturally we will doubt everything we do, and this includes when I write in a card or send an email. I will worry that maybe I said something really weird and I will obsess over this, even though it makes no logical sense. Same goes for conversations. Afterwards I will worry that I had possibly said something rude or strange without remembering.
Infection fears
If I get a cut I will obsess over infection and constantly check it and feel spikes of fear when I feel it stinging, thinking “Oh no! It’s infected.” Infection fears do seem to be quite common and still come up for me now at times. Just recently I had this pain in my one tooth on and off and went down a fear rabbit hole, thinking “What if it’s infected and I leave it and it gets really bad and…” on and on my thoughts went. I recently went to the dentist, had a bunch of x-rays and all were clear. It’s crazy how the intensity we put on a specific area can make it feel worse or more painful/sensitive as we are channeling all of our energy there.
Lung fears
I have this thing about anything that’s sprayed in the air, like hair sprays or air freshener, as I worry I will inhale it and it will affect my lungs. I have even held my breath at the salon when my hairdresser sprayed a bunch of hairspray on my hair. One of my other pet peeves are those car air fresheners people commonly use; they make me feel so nauseous.
Food poisoning fears
I will pick meat apart to be sure it’s cooked. I am better with this now, but struggled badly at one point and hardly enjoyed my meals. I had also heard a story once of a salmonella outbreak in Romaine lettuce and to this day find myself avoiding it if I can. Even though it’s not logical, my brain makes it seem logical! Cooking meat is difficult for me, because I will convince myself that maybe I touched my face or mouth or didn’t wash my hands, but thought I had had. I have also had random thoughts that “Maybe my takeout is drugged/poisoned!” but I still ate it, because I try hard to not let OCD rule my life.
I could probably add even more, but I think we can end it there.
Understanding OCD is the first step in recovery
Of course I am not a therapist and so I definitely encourage you to book a session if you suspect you have OCD or if it’s consuming your entire life, as treatment absolutely is available.
I think the very first step, as I have learned with GAD and health anxiety, is understanding that OCD is a real disorder, and that when you experience those horrifying thoughts and fears that it is your OCD talking and not you.
Honestly, just reading other people’s experiences already provided the type of relief I had been desperate for for years, but had never been able to find on my own, as my brain felt like it was always against me.
I find that my OCD is more under control when I do those things that help my gad and health anxiety too, and I share them all in my books, but also share loads on my blog and podcast.
I go deep into how I manage the intense compulsions of health anxiety in my latest book.
Of course one of the biggest things I always recommend is staying far away from Google, unless you are specifically googling “health anxiety” or “OCD” versus a specific symptom.
I wrote Anxiety A to Z as a book that will allow you to look up anything you need, but will never trigger you and it’s one you will refer to daily.
“Amazing read. So helpful. I wish I had a book like this when I was back in high school and struggling at my worst with panic disorder and OCD and health/death anxiety. This book has helped soothe me in so many ways and I’m incredibly thankful to both know that I’m not alone and that I’m going to be okay.” – Tara
I think it’s also important to try and not be hard on yourself and to pay attention to how you talk to yourself.
Stop saying things like “Ugh, I know I am annoying, sorry!” or “yeah, I am so weird!” because would you tell someone you care about that they are annoying or weird if they are dealing with an actual mental health disorder?
I hope just by reading this blog and seeing my own experiences, it can bring some comfort if you are going through it.
As I always say… let’s keep taking it just one day at a time and focusing on small daily changes as they all truly do add up.
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