I love you.

On Easter weekend, exactly 4 years ago, I packed my bags and booked into an Airbnb. 

My life felt chaotic and I was an emotional mess. 

I alternated between feeling nothing and crying so much it felt like my tears were never-ending. 

I was going through extreme personal upheaval, and my family was not there to support me at this time. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as alone as I did that weekend, and that’s saying something. 

I felt so low that I just wanted to disappear. 

I remember the place I stayed at vividly. 

I remember the feel of the kitchen table I sat at, pondering my life and what I was going through. 

How I felt abandoned, scared, confused and completely hopeless. 

I sat there for quite some time and let the dark thoughts creep in. 

I let them spread their dark tendrils through my mind. 

I allowed them to envelop me in their desolate embrace as I numbly stared at the wall, tears falling silently. 

Pain can be so quiet on the outside. 

I remember wearing headphones all weekend, as I played music in an attempt to drown out the loud monologue within. 

As I tried to feel something. 

Something that would inspire me to want to be here. 

I sat at that kitchen table and allowed myself to consider not being here. 

Ceasing to exist. 

I had a pros and cons list of staying versus leaving. 

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to stay was you, I just want you to know that. 

This community that I started after going through such severe anxiety that every day felt like a struggle and I didn’t know how to push through one more day. 

This community that gave me a space to share my story, my experiences and my heart with you. 

So when I say this community is my heart, I mean it with every part of me. 

I hope you know just how important you are. 

I hope you know that just because you may not see a future for yourself that a beautiful one doesn’t exist. 

You just have to get through one more day. 

We can worry about tomorrow as it comes. 

I’ve been feeling old emotions rising up in me, and I realized today that it’s just ghosts from my past. 

This time of year is triggering for me and it makes sense. 

It makes sense. 

I’m letting myself feel, reminding myself that this is what it means to be human. 

Your tears make you human. 

Let them flow. 

I’m so happy you are here. 

Please know that you’re never alone here and I truly mean that. 

Tam