Life lately: Sitting with discomfort, taking pressure off myself, and why I love subliminals

Writing, like singing and reading, is natural therapy for me; my medicine when life feels a bit too loud, and I need a space to retreat to. 

A place to lay my feelings out. 

Despite my life being beautiful on the outside, my internal world has been quite tumultuous. 

My emotions have spilled over frequently, and I’ve found myself feeling like I’m on a rollercoaster ride that continues to loop once I finally think it’s over. 

This is not to say that every day is bad. 

Today, for example, I feel calm and quite content within myself. 

This could have something to do with the gloomy weather, as I’m a fall and winter lover at heart. 

I think I crave the peace, quiet and solitude that naturally comes with the cloudy, chilly, and crisp days. 

It could also have something to do with the fact that my period is finally almost over, giving my hormones a place to settle until the luteal phase rolls around once more. 

Sometimes I hear myself complaining, either in my head or out loud, about my hormones and I want to scream. 

I’m so tired of complaining, but I’m also so tired, so beyond fed up, of having to deal with the consequences of being a woman and having a period. 

This is not to say I hate being a woman, because I certainly don’t, far from it, but I think if you struggle with your hormones in any way, that you understand.

I often say “I wonder how I’d be if I didn’t get my period or deal with the intense hormonal shifts I do?” only to let go of that thought as fast as it arrived, as then I simply wouldn’t be me. 

And don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be healthy and have everything functioning as it should (my ocd has me immediately wanting to knock on wood), but I think it’s also natural, and very human, to just wish you could get off that rollercoaster for longer than just one week; that one week of our cycle where we kind of feel “normal” again, or as normal as we possibly can.

I’ve said it many times and I’ll write it here again; hormones are intense and have a very real impact. Don’t underestimate the impact they can have, from physical symptoms to intrusive thoughts that can feel torturous, with a side of emotional upheaval just to keep things exciting. 

I’ve come a long, long way from where I used to be. 

From when I had no control over my emotions and let them decide my actions and next steps. 

I’d say I’m no longer in that boat, however I’m still having to ride the waves at times, and despite it being better, it still sucks. 

When I get too much in my head, too far from the reality of how my life actually is, I remind myself of what I have overcome, my extreme anxiety and panic disorder being a major one. 

I’m grateful I can leave my house and walk around without feeling like I’m always going to pass out or have a stroke, no exaggeration.

That I can fall asleep without my pounding heart, that I’d feel in every part of my body, keeping me up, a far more effective remedy than the strongest espresso shot. 

I truly am grateful. 

Gratitude is powerful, but I understand it can be hard to find when things feel heavy, dark and overwhelming. 

This is why sitting quietly and thinking of just one thing you are proud of, which could also be something you’re grateful for, can help. 

Earlier I was walking back from the grocery store with my partner and the heat, that can only be described as oppressive, started to make anxiety wake up in my body, due to the extreme discomfort of almost 40 degrees. 

I told her I’m feeling a little anxious and that I’m glad we didn’t have far to walk, and I was grateful for her steady presence there beside me, holding my hand. 

I was also grateful that I was even able to go on this short walk, something that was far beyond the realm of possibility during the peak of my battle with generalized anxiety disorder and daily panic attacks. 

So I urge you to find that little thread, the one that will lead you to a memory, an achievement you may have forgotten, as anxiety/depression may have taken all of your attention.

OCD has been a constant in my life since 6 years old. 

It joined forces with depression when I was 15 and this took things to a whole new level, especially when I went through extreme health anxiety spirals. 

At times, like my depression, it retreats into the shadows, far enough from my peripheral mind that I’m able to fully ignore it. 

Other times it moves into my line of sight, eager, no desperate, for attention, and while I’ve learned many coping skills over the years, how I am mentally, physically and emotionally when OCD makes a noise, determines my every next step. 

I’ve had many changes over the past few months and I’ve been well aware that I’m more emotionally vulnerable. 

It’s been beautiful and exciting change, but change nonetheless. 

Change has always been incredibly challenging for me, and it made sense when I learned about my neurodivergence only in my thirties. 

I moved out of Ontario, Canada to not only a new city, but a whole new Province as I’m now living in Montreal, Quebec. 

I was living in a smaller town in Ontario versus the big city I now find myself inhabiting. 

That, on its own, has been a massive adjustment for me. 

I’m used to stepping outside into a quiet neighborhood, steps away from a quiet park and little forest-like hideaways. 

I had my favourite coffee shop that I lived at and I’d take my book and read for hours. 

There are parks here and I could make the trip, and the effort, to get out more into nature, but in this current heat I think I’ll wait a bit. 

I’ve had to sit with the discomfort of being somewhere unfamiliar, as well as the discomfort of a big city. 

I’ve had to accept that a spectrum of feelings can co-exist, including the excitement of my beautiful new life and the grief of my past life. 

For now, I’m letting that be okay. 

A few days later 

It’s Thursday, the 16th of July today. 

I started this blog, or random journal entry if you will, at the beginning of the week. 

Today my period is officially over and the weather is officially cooler so I’m feeling calmer. Officially. Hahaha. 

Seriously though, the oppressive heat blanket has lifted somewhat, allowing the wind to blow in some fresh, cooler air, hallelujah. 

Now I have Justin Bieber’s song in my head. 

My period is over, hallelujah. 

The heat wave is over, hallelujah. 

I’m eating chia pudding, hallelujah…

Okay, I’ll stop. 

Chia pudding has been my new go-to breakfast. 

I load it up with bananas, strawberries, dark chocolate and peanut butter granola and I’ve actually been looking forward to it every morning. 

Compared to last week, and the weekend, I’ve felt calmer within myself. 

My hormones clearly have a lot to do with my moods. 

One thing I will say, is that I’ve been really working on taking as much pressure off myself as I can. 

If I’m having a hard day, I let it be hard. 

I don’t force myself to tick everything off my to do list and I allow my plans to change, if possible. 

That used to be incredibly difficult for me, and from my one on one chats, I know I’m not the only one. 

(email me at tamryn@honestlyholistic.com if you’d like to book a 30 min chat with me).

Even if I was able to shift things around, I’d feel so guilty about it. 

I wouldn’t even enjoy the time to myself, as I’d just be in my head, ruminating. 

It’s crazy the amount of pressure we put on ourselves. 

We’re already struggling with our mental health, yet we add more just by the pressure we put on ourselves 

You’re allowed time off. 

You’re allowed to not do everything in one day. 

You’re allowed to struggle. 

You’re allowed to have every day be different. 

This is normal. It’s human. 

All you need to do is act accordingly, based on how you feel each day. 

Ask yourself, what do I need today? What can I do to take some pressure off myself. 

I mean it. 

Even something that may seem silly, for example, could you wash your hair another day? 

I need to wash mine, but then I need to dry it and it’s a whole process so today I just relied on my trusty dry shampoo. 

Just so you know, arrowroot powder is natural, cheap and the best as a dry shampoo! Add a little cocoa powder if your hair is dark, I’m not kidding. 

When you’re struggling mentally in any way, every task, no matter how small, can seem like a monumental challenge so find ways to do what you can, when you can, and most importantly, based on how you feel. 

Or it could be simply allowing yourself to rest without your brain running in the background.

How? you ask. 

I’m glad you did, since you’ve come to the queen of overthinking and ruminating herself. 

One of my absolute favourite ways to quiet my mind is by listening to sound frequencies or subliminals. 

I wax lyrical about them in my book, Health Anxiety is Ruining my Life! as OCD has always been a very real part of my existence. 

To put it simply, subliminals bypass the conscious mind going straight to the subconscious mind, where all the good stuff happens. 

When we repeat affirmations, we may have to do it 1000 times before they start to sink into our subconscious. 

Change happens once our subconscious mind starts absorbing what we’re feeding our mind. 

You can’t hear subliminals or you’ll hear the affirmations so softly that you won’t make them out, but this bypasses our brain’s filters aka our noisy mind taking what we’re hearing and dissecting it every which way.

We block affirmations from our subconscious mind by thoughts like “but I don’t believe that” or “what if…” I think you get the point. 

I’ve found them to be life changing, if I’m completely honest, and I realized that I haven’t been prioritizing them as much lately. 

So, here I am, writing this while listening to one right now. 

You can search subliminals on YouTube and click on what feels right for you, I’m a big believer in this. 

They’re good to listen to when you’re doing something calm/mundane. 

My favourite is to pop them on while I read. It pulls me out of my thinking and allows me to fully concentrate on my book. 

Talking about books… another one of my favourite ways to escape my mind or my physical reality is through losing myself in stories. 

My favourite book is officially (here we go again haha) The Secret History by Donna Tartt. 

I read it last year, after putting it off for ages, and I fell in love. 

I have a few favourite books, but as of now, this dark academia masterpiece tops them all. I plan to read it again this Fall. 

I read it slowly to really let it sink in.

Right now I’m reading A Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, exactly the type of comfort my mind is craving right now. 

I’ve always believed that books find us exactly when we need them, and even if you’re not a reader, that just one book can have a real impact in your life. 

Last June I read the Spellshop, Where the Dark Stands Still and Starling House, and I’m currently seeking the same feeling those books gave me. 

I think readers are always chasing that feeling; the one that takes you to a whole new world (cue Aladdin’s a whole new world lol) and when you think back on the book you picture the scenes and remember the feeling versus the words. 

The words were there to capture the feeling. 

So perhaps now is a good time to start that book you’ve been thinking of or to perhaps wander around a bookstore or your local library and see what gems you can find. 

Time at any bookstore is incredibly calming for me. 

I love how quiet it is and being surrounded by books is pure magic for me. 

I just recently made myself a “cozy shelf”

Going to the library counts too. I’ve actually been reading many books from the library over the past couple years. 

I think something else that adds major stress on us is the overconsumption we’re subjected to every time we open any one of our various social apps. 

I’m guilty of owning way too many books, but most were given to me from my mom after she had read them. I take advantage of her book addiction haha. 

If I removed all the books from my shelves she had given me, I’d have a fraction of the books left. 

That’s not to say I’m not guilty of purchasing books, but lately I’ve really been trying to appreciate the books I own and utilize my local library for any more books I want to read. 

It’s fun to place holds and then get the notification that your book is ready for pick up! 

If you’re struggling in any way, then I urge you to focus on things that may not seem big, yet truly do make a big difference over time, when they become a consistent part of your life. 

Yoga has been a practice that truly changed my life and the relationship with myself and my body. 

Initially I hated it, but then stumbled across Adriene on YouTube and it then become a constant in my life since 2015, when I was withdrawing off meds and going through the worst anxiety and harm ocd of my life. I talk about it in my first book. 

As much as I love yoga, I still struggle to get on my mat when depression rises up, and even when I do make it there I’ll often only manage a few minutes. 

I optimistically put on a 30 minute yoga video last night only to realize that it should have  been a 10 minute video. 

I pushed myself to around 20 minutes before calling it quits, but that’s okay. I should have stopped as soon as my body said, not today, let’s find a different activity. 

I think we push ourselves far too much. 

I’ve decided to get back into Pilates (I was big into it for a year or 2 years ago), but I’m starting SLOW. 

There’s a 10 min pyjama practice that I’ve been doing daily, although sometimes I only get to it at night and some days I’ll skip. 

But it feels good to have found something short and simple to stick to, it feels like a little achievement. 

You don’t have to spend hours doing something, just a few minutes of stretching or deep breathing or taking a few steps in your home, as I’m doing now as I write this, goes a long way. 

I paused my writing a little while back, somewhere during our book talk, to have a shower and get dressed and now I’m back. 

The old version of me would never have taken breaks while writing a blog post yet alone a few days, but this new version is softer, slower and more nurturing toward herself. 

Some days are easier to show myself that love, others I need to dig a little, but I’m letting that be okay. 

I have a few words that I love and lean on all the time. 

Consistency has always been a big one for me. 

Consistency is staying consistent while honouring your body’s natural rhythms and cycles. 

Doing more some days, less on others, some days perhaps nothing at all. 

But consistency brings you back again, once you are ready. 

Slow is my new favourite word. 

As someone who moves fast, talks fast, thinks fast, slow has been the calm to my stormy self. 

I do things slowly and mindfully, or at least I do my best to. 

Routine is a wonderful thing for those of us who struggle or are neurodivergent, as it grounds us. 

Find a routine that works for you. 

Build it slowly and with intention and keep it flexible so you can easily rearrange things each day based on how you feel, without guilt. 

I used to meditate every morning, but I’ve fallen off of that wagon.

I’m letting that be okay, but I’m going to try and ease back into it. I have recently downloaded the Headspace app again.

I’ll say it again, the little things go a long way.

At night I make a hot chocolate or a sleepy tea and do legs up the wall while I read a few pages of my books. 

Legs up the wall pose is great for your nervous system, especially before bed. 

I also highly recommend adding a magnesium supplement into your life. I still take 400mg every night. 

I know many people, perhaps you’re one of them, are afraid to take new supplements and I fully get this, because I was the same. 

I once left a flu supplement on my counter for ages and then accidentally took it one day as I mistook it for my Vitamin C, which looked the same. So imagine my panic that morning. 

Magnesium is one supplement that truly made a huge difference in my life. 

If it helps, not only is it incredible for anxiety, but it’s also great for heart health and blood pressure. Perhaps this is reassurance and motivation your health anxiety needs, as I know that heart and blood pressure fears are real when you have health anxiety. 

I could go on and on if I let myself, but I’ll end this here, for now. 

I hope at the very least that this ramble helped you to take a little time out in your day and perhaps quieted those loud and very inventive thoughts. 

Remember, it will always be worse in our heads, always. 

OCD thought loops are always seeking reassurance and solutions, yet sometimes we need to realize that there isn’t ever going to be enough reassurance for OCD. 

Instead, gently distract your mind with an activity that will provide you some semblance of peace, even a temporary escape from your thoughts. 

Do it more and more until it’s something you naturally find yourself reaching for. 

Be patient, be gentle and be kind with your sweet self. 

You’re doing your very best and that is more than good enough. 

P.S. My Anxiety A to Z is the book I truly wish I had had access to during my darkest days. I include coping skills, calming methods, every single symptom, every tool and pep talks for the extra hard days. I hope this book will support you through every day, as you finally start making sense of your anxiety and how to manage it.

If you’d like all my books get my bundle and save 🙂