Before I dive into my tale of woe, recounting a recent health anxiety flare that has left me feeling like I have stepped into an old version of myself; one I thought I had left far behind me, I just want to take a moment to check in with you.
Of course I am not there with you physically right now, but I am here with you energetically as you read these words and I hope that brings even the smallest bit of comfort.
I know that if this found you then you may be going through a really hard time right now, and I want to take a moment with you to simply acknowledge this together.
I think that often we try desperately to run from our feelings, from our fears, by any means of distraction available to us, but one thing I have certainly learned in my 35 years on this planet is that distraction is always temporary.
Those feelings and fears we try so hard to ignore don’t just vanish, as much as we’d like them to.
Surrender is something I have come to embrace in the past few years, as it allows me to acknowledge how I am feeling; shitty, terrifying feelings and all, so that I am not always having to run.
I figure that if I am going to have to acknowledge how I am feeling at some point then I’d rather just do it right now.
This does not mean that you will know what to do or have the solutions laid bare for you the moment you choose to surrender, but it will lead you one step closer.
Surrender involves acknowledgement and awareness, a deep acceptance that says, “Okay, this is how I feel” and then letting the feelings come without resistance and judgement.
So now I ask you; how do you feel right now?
Be completely honest, there’s no need to pretend here.
Then sit with how you are feeling for a moment and let how you feel be okay.
Don’t try to change anything, don’t tell yourself you have to feel another way.
This is a reminder I have needed over the past few weeks as health anxiety has found me once again.
Why I still experience episodes of heath anxiety
I always get asked if I still experience anxiety or health anxiety flares and of course the answer is already obvious from the title of this, but I just want to explain why.
I get messages all the time from people wanting a quick solution or simple answers to being fully “cured” from their anxiety, a word I always try to gently steer people away from, as it is an illusion; anxiety can never be cured.
Think about it for a moment.
We have all experienced moments of complete and utter desolation, where our tears flow endlessly and our heart feels like it is broken into pieces.
Yet we aren’t trying to cure ourselves from sadness, we know it’s a natural emotion.
The same goes for anger.
We aren’t checking ourselves into anger management classes every time we lose our cool, so why is anxiety any different?
Anxiety is a natural emotion and there to help us when we need it.
Of course when anxiety is there more often than not we want to find ways to figure out why and then, when we know where it is coming from, it makes it a little easier to manage it so it’s only coming up in situations that make sense, instead of when we are standing in line at the grocery store or walking the few steps to our mailbox.
Now that’s another story for another day and I recommend my first book where I delve deep into my story and exactly where my anxiety was manifesting from.
But let’s attempt to stay on track here, something that I never quite manage to achieve, but still try my best anyway 😝
So let’s talk about health anxiety and my recent experience with it.
I shared a podcast episode 2 or 3 weeks ago talking more about my health anxiety flare so I definitely recommend having a listen to it.
One thing I mention in there is how I have been triggered by social media lately, as I know so many others have to.
It’s almost impossible to avoid some triggering piece of information when listening to/watching the news or scrolling socials, something will inevitably come up.
Remember that with health anxiety our brain is also far more on alert than someone who doesn’t deal with it, meaning it’s constantly tuned in to absolutely any word or story that has to do with illness or death, or the exact same symptom or fear we are currently struggling with.
We then see this as a bad omen, but it’s called frequency illusion; when our brain tries to gather more information on something we are fixated on. Our brain believes that it is helping us.
I was triggered by TikTok
So one contributing factor in my recent health anxiety flare up was some stuff that came up on my TikTok, one of which was a scary comment someone had left on one of my videos.
I have been sharing for years and don’t usually get triggered so I asked myself why I was suddenly feeling triggered now.
This is a big part of what I do now versus before.
I let curiosity take over rather than let fear render me completely illogical.
Sure, in the moment of panic it’s hard to not be consumed in fear and I will share an experience a little later on that had me nearly going to the ER a week ago, but once that initial wave of fear in its purest form dies down, I then take a few different steps.
That lingering fear is still going to be there, that’s the truth.
But now, instead of fueling it by going to “Dr. Google” and ending up in a spiral of fear that feels truly sickening and leaves my stomach curdled in anticipation, I sit down and ask myself questions.
I give curiosity priority and allow it to tranquilize my fear.
So now here I am, trying to figure out why I seem to be so easily triggered lately.
Questions like:
“Where am I currently in my cycle?”
“Have I had too much sugar recently”
“Too little sleep?”
And on it goes until it hits me…
My period was late and my hormones were all over the place…
My hormones were also thrown off earlier this year and personally I have found that hormonal changes definitely intensify or cause anxiety for me, both the physical symptoms and the irrational fears that then come in as a result.
When my hormones are imbalanced though, that’s like the anxiety I experience during my period some months with an added shot of adrenaline.
My period is never ever late so then this only caused further questioning
“Why were my hormones thrown off?”
Ugh, gluten…
And this led me back to my old friend, gluten.
Oh boy.
I have an entire section dedicated to this stretchy protein in my first book, because it was one of my hidden food sensitivities that had been a major contributing factor to many of my daily, physical symptoms.
It took me a long time to discover that I was sensitive to gluten because I wouldn’t always experience symptoms immediately, they’d often happen in the days/weeks that followed after consuming it.
I indulged a bit over the holidays, but it came to kick me in the ass. I think after not having it for so long and doing so well anxiety-wise that I thought it would be okay, but no, I was reminded again why we aren’t friends.
I couldn’t really do much except wait for it to work its way out of my system, but in the meantime, because it affects me physically and mentally, I was in a vulnerable state in terms of being easily triggered.
Heart palps had me on edge
One of the worst symptoms I had during my anxiety flare, that I am thankful to say has gotten better now, were intense heart palpitations.
Now something I want to mention here, and I just had this conversation with a friend going through a health anxiety episode too, is that health anxiety, and just anxiety in general, will make us fear that we are jinxing ourselves when we say we feel okay or that we feel better.
We think that if we say we feel good then something horrible is going to happen to make us eat our words or you may be scared to say something out loud for fear of it coming true once you have given it a voice.
You are not alone with this, I promise.
Heart palpitations have always been a common GAD (generalized anxiety) symptom for me, but just because I have experienced them many times before doesn’t mean that they aren’t still terrifying to feel, especially when it’s been a while or they are very intense.
I was eating dinner one night recently when I had that sudden dropping sensation in my chest that follows a heart flutter and I felt my panic levels climbing.
Of course our fear only feeds the cycle and by the last bite of my meal I was sure that my left arm hurt too and I had those intrusive heart thoughts that made me crawl into my bed right after dinner. I relied on ASMR to soothe my nervous system, it actually worked!
Seriously, do yourself a favour and search for ASMR videos on YouTube and TikTok, they are so damn relaxing and so helpful for anxiety.
Here’s just one YouTube channel I love.
I will talk more about heart palps in my next podcast episode.
Then just as I was starting to feel better I had an allergic reaction.
So here’s the part where I share how all logic left me and I almost went to the ER last Friday night…
The heart palpitations were bad enough, but this was one of my biggest fears…
I started dying my hair dark in December 2021 after being blonde pretty much all my life.
I wanted something different and was so excited to embrace the dark side.
All was well until a year later, December 2022, when I had my first allergic reaction.
Now as someone who has struggled with health anxiety, allergic reactions have always been up there on my list of major fears, nicely lined up against stroke and heart attack fears.
In my latest book I share every one of my health anxiety fears and all my health anxiety stories with you, as well as all my health anxiety tools.
This was one of my biggest fears, come to life, and it was the worst month ever.
I won’t horrify you with all the gory details, because trust me, it was gross, from swelling and blistering to itching that drove me up the wall, I spent a month in sick anticipation.
This was right before Christmas too.
I tried to get in with a doctor, but was turned away from every place I went to, as a blizzard was closing in and offices were closing up early. Then my death anxiety thoughts crept in as my Uber had a hard time not constantly veering off the slippery roads.
I find that when health anxiety flares, death anxiety does too and you may also suddenly start experiencing a bunch of scary physical symptoms, as health anxiety tends to jump from one thing to the next and right back again.
I came home feeling defeated and debated going to the hospital, but I could breathe fine (trust me when I tell you that I was fixated on my breathing) and the reaction wasn’t getting worse so I decided to leave it.
I ended up putting manuka honey all over my rash, as it’s filled with nutrients and actually brought instant relief when I applied it.
Fast forward to August when I had another reaction and this time, just as severe. I ended up taking an antihistamine, but I waited too long.
It did end up helping, but probably not as well as it would have if I had taken it right away.
Then skipping ahead again to almost 2 weeks ago, when I decided to try a new colour after not dying my hair since August.
I didn’t realize just how many gray hairs I had until I went dark so at this point they were driving me a little crazy.
I did foils to go lighter, but since it’s still darker dye and not plain bleach, I was nervous.
Well, I ended up having a reaction again.
I took an antihistamine immediately and proceeded to take one once a day, and I definitely think this stopped it from getting severe.
I was still really uncomfortable, but it was under control.
The panic came in when I experienced a new symptom, one of my worst health anxiety fears.
Lymph node panic
It felt itchy and sore behind my ear and I went to scratch it only to feel what felt like two huge balls.
I felt pure panic in the moment and immediately went to the mirror to check. I was trying hard to stay calm but felt my panic escalating with each step.
It looked even worse than it felt and my lymph nodes were HUGE.
I have experienced lymph nodes swelling many times, but not like this.
The logical part of my brain was trying to come forward and tell me it was almost definitely linked to my hair dye reaction, but all I thought was the c-word.
I had seen some awful stories earlier in the day, just on social media (I swear it’s just as bad as google and reddit!) and so my brain went straight to what I had seen, of course.
It was fear all over again, from many years ago, when my health anxiety was at its peak.
One thing I had been told before was that lymph nodes can go up and down for many different reasons.
If they are swollen you can really just wait for them to come down, especially if they are in the neck or ear area where it’s more common for them to swell.
In the meantime though…
Well, that’s the really hard part.
You’re constantly trying to hold yourself back from the ledge that will plunge you into panic if you take one wrong step.
I am very fortunate to have amazing support and for that I am so extremely grateful.
I also have this community, all of you, who are always so kind and help me so much when my anxiety flares.
I woke up on Saturday with that familiar low feeling, the one that never left me when health anxiety was my whole life.
I was so afraid to check the swelling, and when I did I felt flutters of panic in my belly again, as it felt exactly the same.
I was still terrified, but able to think more clearly than the night before and this is when I let curiosity take over again.
Your lymph is your filtering system and they can swell when exposed to any kind of infection or allergy/irritation, so it made perfect sense that they swelled at the same time I had a scalp and ear reaction.
Someone kindly told me on insta that there’s a specific ingredient called PPD to look out for in dark dyes and that after years of using the same dye, she had an allergic reaction too and was in the same boat in terms of that awful, awful fear.
I also read some other stories of allergic hair dye reactions and lymph node swelling behind the ears was common in almost all of them.
I will now be delving into research in terms of a completely natural hair dye, although it will be a while until I muster the courage to try anything, to be totally honest.
I thought Ammonia-free meant it would be okay, but apparently ammonia-free doesn’t mean much and it can still contain ppd.
Doing things differently
As a human being I am going to experience anxiety sometimes, but now the thread that leads from where it stemmed is a lot less tangled than it was during my very darkest days, when I had no idea where my anxiety was coming from.
It’s also been interesting to see how I navigate a terrifying health anxiety episode now versus before; I have definitely been doing things differently.
Before I would have lived on Google, now I am able to avoid it, which is huge if you knew how bad my Googling habit was!
I know it’s hard to avoid Google, which is why I wrote my A to Z as your new healthy and safe replacement that will never trigger you like Google does
Learn all about my Anxiety A to Z Encyclopedia or order your very own copy.
Or get my health anxiety bundle, which includes my A to Z and my latest book.
Taking each day as it comes
All you can do when in the midst of a bad health anxiety episode is take one moment at a time, one day at a time.
Right now it’s hard to think any further than beyond how scared you feel so you don’t have to.
I have been keeping myself distracted with creating content (working on something new for you that I think you are going to love!), doing lots of reading, listening to music and getting outside once a day.
I have allowed myself to feel my lymph nodes when I wake up, one time during the day and then only before bed again.
This satisfies that compulsive need to check (OCD goes hand in hand with health anxiety) but I am setting the rules, not my health anxiety.
It’s literally about compromising with your health anxiety.
Talk to it.
Tell it that you are in charge.
That there are going to be boundaries from now on.
May sound silly, but you do what you need to when working through health anxiety, especially if it has left you feeling like a hostage in your own body for far too long.
Feeling something constantly, whether lymph nodes or something else that requires you pushing on your skin, can actually cause irritation and further swelling that illogical health anxiety will then convince you is something serious.
My reaction has fortunately eased up a lot and my swelling has come all the way down and I am so grateful for that.
Please be gentle with yourself.
I know you are doing your best, but you need to acknowledge this for yourself and give yourself that credit that you definitely deserve.
No one could ever possibly understand what it feels like unless they have gone through it so don’t let someone who hasn’t gone through it make you feel bad and don’t take their advice/opinions to heart if you can tell it’s coming from a place of inexperience.
I highly recommend reading this health anxiety blog where I share more tips with you.
My heart is with you.
Do something really special just for yourself or treat yourself to that thing you’ve been wanting, you deserve it 💛
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